This is my journal, my blog, my diary.. and so on. I've always sort of live-journalled, or otherwise maintained a public 'journal' on twitter or tumblr. This is a page to succeed that.. I guess? I have always struggled to convey my thoughts and feelings with others, so I suppose by having a public space where I can discuss what I'm thinking, it's my way of trying to bridge that gap I've inadvertently created.
grounding 11/17/2024 The weekend is here again and after treading the water all week I feel finally like I am returning to myself. I want to see the restoration of balance to my life. In terms of life management... I got a lot done this week and was doing quite a bit of paperwork and reading regulatory publications. My notes for the NS1 are in their final form and this next week is the last one for the course, and while it makes me nervous that it's coming to a close I also feel like I am at a point where there isn't much else that I can actually do except just challenge the exam and pass or fail. My hair is falling out again so I must be suffering under a bit of stress, which seems like it would be easy to tell before this point- except that I find it so difficult to tell when I am actually stressed or anxious or even excited. I think that, in terms of 'disaster management' I excel in the ability to focus and work through intense events, but because I am constantly in this sort of 'management state' that it also makes it difficult to stay in tune with what is happening in my heart, if that makes sense.
cycles 11/13/2024 On the weekend I had a really fantastic session with my psych and ended up doing some journalling offline to reflect on the session a bit, since I was left in such a positive mood and feeling rather proud of myself. This navigation safety course is frustrating for me at times but I'm really trying hard to focus on the material even if it's very particular and dry. The things that frustrate me the most about the course are that the examination is very technical and throws curveballs about very specific rules and situations, and there is a lot of material which needs to be interpreted and memorized; there is also an extremely high rate of failure looming over my head. I feel like, in order to better absorb the information for the current parts I'm struggling with, I need to switch gears in some way- but I'm still unsure how this looks for me. I was on top of scheduling and managing all my flights and travel plans for school but I'm caught up on scheduling my communications examination. There are a couple specific forms regarding my sea service that I need to fill out to be examined and, since my company no longer issues seatime documents on each discharge, theres a bit of extra legwork and waiting that I have to do in order to acquire these documents to then send off. Earlier today I scanned my sea service recordbook but I haven't had the willpower to comb through it and compile the information which I have to send to my employer...even though I fear that if I allow myself to put off this task I will pay the price further down the line. Today I also went to the transport office downtown and met with one of the examiners to clear up some questions I had regarding my forms; I know now that the answer to my problems and anxieties surrounding the application process lie in reading the marine personnel regulations, though I haven't the willpower to sit and read through the first half of those either. These things are weighing on me today and I felt overall quite weak-spirited.
Since the weekend when it peaked, my mood has steadily deteriorated. What is bringing me particular misery is that once more, though I can recognize that these feelings in me are temporary and baseless as I possess free will, I feel as though I am caught up in a familiar cycle which consumes me and ultimately seperates me from myself. Because I am disobedient and turn away from myself I deserve to be punished; because I am being punished, I yearn for release; because I yearn for release I am greedy for wanting. Desire is the source of my pain and I feel as though in order to 'break the cycle' I must part with my desire for particular things- even if it means I must suffer in parting with them. All of this is being said in a very broad way which makes it seem more troublesome than it actually is. These issues of mine will blow over in a few days' time so long as I have my eye on the 'bigger picture' and don't allow myself to crash out completely. Anyhow...
allowance 11/05/2024 I've been needing so much alone time this past bit... I feel so guilty when I withdraw and keep to myself like I have been. On monday I began my course and so far (it's only 2 days into it...) I feel pretty positive about the whole thing. It feels really rather strange to pace myself for my courses and to have all this free time which, despite being no different than my normal free time, feels vastly different and is permeated with a sense of 'order' that is absent from my normal homelife. Everything from here on depends on me and the effort that I am willing to expend on it all- which is great in some regards and terrifying in others. So far my classtime is only about an hour or two a day, and then for the rest of the day I just work away on preparing my notes and material and I study on and off as needed. Yesterday, I went to the library and had a really productive time there- but today, I didn't feel the need to go and as a result did not get as much as I had hoped for done. Probably the most daunting part of this all, to me, is the fact that I am home all the time and already I am really thrown off by the change to my schedule. Because I am home all the time the value of my 'home time' has skewed and the sense of frantic FOMO, which drove me a little mad with the desire to 'have the most fun I can while I can', is dissipating and I am left just wanting to take care of tasks that I have set out for myself. I am trying to stick close to my goals and to envision the future which is attainable through my hard work... I have to imagine what it will feel like to achieve my goals and allow those feelings to uplift and carry me to success. These last few weeks have left me feeling really rough, so having something which matters so much and that I genuinely want to devote myself towards is really impactful on my mood. And when it comes to ships... even if it makes me a little bit different than others in my desires and my motivations, it feels like I have a superpower when something so ordinary which fills me with magic at just the mention of it. I want to succeed so badly. I want to have the future I dream of and I deserve to see my goals to fruition through my hard work. There is no need for me to feel guilty about the life I have because I have worked to get myself to this point.
distance 10/30/2024 I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of a mental breakdown to be fully honest but I'm not going to let it get to me. I have been actively avoiding journalling activities and I spend most of my day by myself so that I can listen to music and work on my projects. Something in my brain has set off my avoidance and I just feel this overwhelming sense that I need to be distant from everyone around me, and that I need to be distant from the world and even from myself.
older 10/25/2024 I've been feeling rather lazy since getting home and have been quite negligent, at least by my standards, of my self-upkeep. Lately I alternate between my bedroom and my livingroom couch and sleep between the two doing the same thing in either room. I feel both like I've been caught up in a whirlwind of frantic rebellion against my responsibilities and that my natural sense of responsibility has kept me grounded during this time. My birthday came and went and I was suprised by how many people reached out to me, and felt overwhelmed by it all. It feels nice to be 25 because I've always loved that number. Everything else has been uneventful and I've been trying to use this time to arrange my notes in advance while I have the time to do so.
things for myself 10/05/2024 I'm really glad that over the last year I've shifted my focus more towards doing things to please myself as opposed to worrying what others think; though I certainly still do find myself seeking validation from other people. Overall it's been good for me to recognize the difference between how self-accomplishment and the sense of accomplishment validated by others make me feel. This is mostly just on my mind because looking back on the earliest pages of my website and comparing them to my most recent ones I can really see that my understanding has improved and it makes me happy to know that my effort to learn something new is showing. Something about coding works really well with my brain and all of a sudden it feels like I can express myself really naturally through the website medium.
At the moment I'm back on the ship and feeling really pleased with my job- but also I am trying not to get caught up in general workplace griping because it's exactly the sort of negativity that is unproductive and doesn't even manage to give me a sense of release. I think that spending too much time on social media, where it seems everyone around me is dissatisfied with their work, is leading me to worry that one day I will be unhappy with my job, and therefore I should despair now- but then when I am by myself, alone with my thoughts, I find that I'm just grateful to do something relatively interesting with my days and to make enough money that my life is comfortable. Am I not just manufacturing my own despair by feeling in general that I have to justify to others why I like or dislike something? And too, is the grass not always greener on the other side of the fence? To affirm my own choices, I'm trying to refocuse on relinquishing my effort to swim against the tide, and instead allowing events out of my control to wash over me as water over a stone.
fatigue 09/25/2024 I feel so tired lately. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning and my head aches. I think the changing of the seasons is getting to me, or maybe I'm vitamin deficient, or maybe I just have too much daily screen-time. I found myself reaching for drugs and alcohol to take my mind off my worries but I just felt worse for it; I can never let go of the sensation I have that everyone is looking down on me for my choices. But I can't live with myself like that so I am finding another way forward. I just wish I could make myself happy the 'easy way'.
I'll be alright anyhow. It's not like its something I haven't dealt with before. The days feel like theyre passing by both too slow and too fast. I am worried about things that have already happened and things that are out of my power to change. My cat seems to know when I am not feeling good and comes to lay with me and it makes me happy. And there is a little dog who loves to be by my side and begs for me to play with her at all hours of the day. Life could always be worse.
ashore 09/21/2024 I've been back ashore for a few days now, though not at my home yet- I'm visiting my parents up in my hometown for the next 2 weeks. I think that when I begin to think too hard about being away from my house for 5-6 weeks, it doesn't feel very good and I start to feel upset because I miss being in my own space; but the reality of it is that it is actually quite tolerable and the time passes by without much difficulty. But I guess home is where my heart is?
Today I met with my psychologist and we talked quite a lot about my anxieties and my tendancy to worry even when nothing is particularily worrisome. Certainly I am a highly anxious person and I have to do a lot of work to manage my emotions- though it seems that my methods of self-regulation have culminated into a constant fear that I am secretly incompetent and will self-sabotage at the first chance; and that therefore I must rule over myself with an iron fist to prevent this from happening. Even if everything I do for myself is indicative that I care, that I am responsible and capable, and that I can work towards my goals and ideals drawn along just by the hope of success- it seems that I will always ignore these truthful qualities of mine in order to feed into that toxic and worrisome side that has driven me for so long.
Anyways- no more self analyzing. I think it would be good for me to throw myself into a new project or creative pursuit to redirect my attention. I am feeling frusturated creatively lately but maybe that is just a sign for me to look for more inspiration out in the world around me- or in other words, to just let myself enjoy my life and enjoy relaxation for a bit.
I am currently reading 'Farthest North', a record of early polar exploration from 1893-96. These are parts of the book that stuck with me.
finding time to worry 09/14/2024 It feels like I've been so busy at work lately and I've hardly had time to do things for myself while here. On one hand I enjoy being occupied all the time since I find I overthink while stagnating but it would be nice to have more free time to work on my projects or even just to sleep in. Oh well! I think I'm just anticipating not having as much time to myself on my days off, when I would normally hide away and recharge, since I'll be going up to my hometown on my days off. Every night I've experienced vivid dreams and though typically I'm thrilled to see how my dreams unfold each night I find I would rather just go to bed and wake up, at least for just a few nights. One really positive thing that's happened onboard has been that we suddenly got internet, and just through that it felt like overnight my life onboard changed drastically. No longer do I have to stand outside in the wind and rain after waiting 4-10 hours for a chance to get cell service, all so I can say hello to my friends or call my family. I'm really happy with my job as it is now and this just feels like a really great way to wrap up my busy summer before heading back to school.
In negative news, there has also been a constant worry of changes to come on my mind. Change is so intolerable to me that I avoid it at all costs; even just a routine change leaves me grinding my teeth at night- so I suppose I will see how my schedule changes this coming October will effect me. I'm looking forward to more time at home, of course, but I'm certain too that I will miss the familiarity of the ship and, hardest of all, will have to adjust to new changes when I return again in December or in the spring, whichever comes sooner. I'm so nervous about the future and thinking so much about everything happening in my life- I'm scared that if I start to take what I have for advantage it will slip through my fingers and out of reach. Theres this idea I have where if I 'lose my head' and become ungrateful for my life that even despite all my work my lack of gratitude will make me 'undeserving' of success and it will be taken from me. By what force? I have no clue. One thing is for certain though; and that is if I have the ability to worry about something or someone I will always fall into that trap.
dual lives 09/03/2024 I'm supposed to pack for work today but I'm just sitting around my house putting it off and trying to get the most out of my day, even if forcing myself to relax has the opposite effect. I think I'm just finding it difficult now to relinquish my 'desires' in order to switch over into my 'working mindset' than in the past, which for me is the period where I try to ground myself and focus on managment of my life as a means to grant self-fufilment. Because I cannot always do the things that I want to do all the time I believe tempering myself to be content with a slow satisfaction granted to me through self-care is good path to focus my efforts towards. I am attached to my lax home life because I want to indulge in my interests and my pleasures while avoiding my responsibilities; but I am also attached to my working life because I want to support myself and I want to become more knowledgable in my field of work. I am always caught up in a balancing act where I am trying control both aspects of my life and at times the degree of seperation I create between them makes it feel as if I am living two different lives. Isn't it silly? I'm sure when I get to the boat and those familiar feelings wash over me I will once more feel at home and will forget I even felt torn over any of this, but here and now I can't help but cling to the last vestiges of my 'other self' and his attachment to his home.
time off 09/02/2024 Time flies by when I'm hanging out at home. I spent my time off of work hanging out with my friends and napping and I guess working on my site as well? I replayed dark souls 1 and dark souls 2 and it revived a lot of my love for the series. I also came across this highly detailed photo documentation of a modern ferry construction that was really interesting to read through. It just feels really great to spend so much time surrounded by my friends after so much time spent isolating myself last year when things became really turbulent for me.
home 08/21/2024 I'm back home. My most recent shift really seemed to drag by... I did get a lot of work done on my site, but I've been falling behind on my studies and I'm starting to realise now that I need to manage my time better if I want to challenge the NS1 exam before my courses begin in October.
My mood is all over the place right now so I'm hoping that being back in my own home will help me even out a little bit.
Mood:

Feeling under pressure
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Fall: underway

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