lead up to work and the move 0806

my life has been thrown out of pattern by packing and getting ready to leave. i haven't had internet and i'm just getting by using my phone as a hotspot, which obviously isnt the end of the world, but it's just another thing irritating me on top of everything else irritating me in life. i was feeling so deeply guilty about the number of things i own and don't use, but i donated a ton of food and toys and workwear and that helped to ease the pain a little. i've definately just been suffering under this immense sense of moral guilt for overconsumptiveness even when i understand that i own a normal amount of possessions. other than that, i've really just been feeling at the mercy of life and have given into myself, understanding that this is a temporary time. the many different plans in motion are making me feel anxious but i can manage it.
later today, i'll leave for work and i'm honestly super excited to have a break and a change of pace. over the shift there are a couple of general familiarization things i'd like to knock off, and then other than that i'm free to listen to music, draw, and read onboard. i've been staying away from my phone a lot EXCEPT to play umamusume because now is a time when i need a mobile game to obsess over more than anything.

whalewatching 0726

day shift meant being underway all day, and being underway all day meant lots of opportunities to see whales this shift. i saw more than 40 humpback whales this watch, though to be fair most of them are the same few that hang around in specific areas along the route. it's really important to look out for whales at all times, because the narrow channels severely limit maneouvrbility and the ship is very large and turns slowly. and also because they're interesting and i want to keep them safe. around the last few days of the watch, we saw this pair of humpback whales breaching and slapping their fins on the surface a ways up the channel; and then when we passed them at a closer distance- it turned out to be an adult and a baby. lots of the crew came up to the bridge to watch them, and i took this (low quality....) video. it makes me so happy to think about whales that play together on a sunny day.

in hindsight it wasn't all bad 0716

i'm a week into my shift and it feels like time is going by so slowly... i'm busy enough that i don't have time to play games or draw or read, but not so busy that i'm unable to overthink everything. i wish that i could be more open about what is bothering me, but it crosses the line about what is okay to discuss publically without escalating into drama. lately, i've noticed that when i am stressed/upset/angry or otherwise feeling negatively, my thoughts always become focused onto unresolved hurt feelings, and instead of focusing on what had been initially bothering me all of my attention floods into this cycle of feeling hurt, spiteful, regretting everything and then acceptance of it all. i know that this trouble will come to pass, but it takes so much resolve to get through the episodes of doubt, paranoia, and imagined persecution. i understand that even if the worst came to pass i would be able to make it out okay, but it doesn't stop be from being scared about it happening. anyone else in my position would have done the same things, but it doesn't stop me from trying to come up with all these justifications when just saying 'i feel this way' is more than sufficient. these are some of the things that have been bugging me lately.
long-term stressors (moving/nerve pain) exterting force on immediate stressors (mopping up garbage juice onboard every day) exterting force on past stressors (social unease), creating a miserable state of mind.

mood at home 0709

i honestly have just been feeling super low energy for many reasons, and it feels like my days off flew by. i was wrapped up in lots of my personal business and moving arrangements, and haven't felt creatively driven enough to push past my frustration and create any art. there is a lot to look forward to but i am hesitant to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it all when i have so much to do to get there. anyhow, i'm looking forward to having a break at work and catching up on my reading list.

work and new prospects 0630

for the past couple of weeks i've just been at work and keeping my head down while life unfolds around me. despite feeling anxious about the shift, it honestly felt really great to be back onboard and to have my rock back in life when i really needed the stability. to keep myself occupied i spent most of my spare time reading and managed to finish the count of monte cristo, which blew me away. i've also made up my mind about where i'm moving and in august i'm going to pick up completely and move to the city. lots of my coworkers live in the city i've picked so i'm feeling really positively about it all. i've really always lived in remote places, so i'm excited about the prospects of living somewhere more developed.

needing to move 0608

so after 3 years of living at my current place, my landlord is selling the house and it's finally time to look at other places and move. the rental market in my town is super dire... so i'm wondering if now is the time to pick up and make a move somewhere else, even though i put in all the work to settle down here. i just wish a clear way forward presented itself here and now and without fuss, so that i could have my plans sorted all in that one instant and i wouldn't have to face uncertainty. there's still time to figure out a plan but i am not thrilled by the prospect of repacking and moving again on my days off this summer. all i can do is wait for now

second life 0601

i've been playing a lot of second life again lately and pivoting towards more customization and building. i tweaked my anime avatar and edited rosier's itabag to be lamento themed ^_^

ticket timeline and discussing work 0526

in june i have to return to work finally after i haven't been on the boat since october. and there's no ill-will towards my coworkers, but i'm sort of dreading being bugged by them and sort of just want to be left alone. i finally have confirmation about the dates for my remaining big 2 exams so i can prepare for my oral examinations starting in the 2026 new year into the spring season. honestly, i'm trying not to be so absorbed in work or the working mindset until i actually get back onboard the boat, but it feels good to have a clear timeline for my examinations set up now, so that i can use the time i have in the meanwhile to tie up my loose ends. sometimes i feel like i'm a little too absorbed in planning ahead.

dental surgery 0519

i had my wisdom teeth removed and spent some time in my hometown. medical stuff doesn't bother me all that much except that i hate to feel weak afterwards, when my body is healing.

simulated navigation 0423

the simulator course was much harder than i anticipated it would be and ended up being a very humbling but super informative experience. everything in the course is taught in a traditional way with paper charts and paper plotting, so a lot of labour is performed in this training environment that isn't necessarily done in practice. in order to attend the course i was arranged to live in a hotel and had to fly to the island. i always felt that it would feel a little more glamorous to stay in a hotel for a long time, but after a few days it really stagnates, and i could never get really comfortable. i'm happy that it's over with and i can take a well-deserved and long break in may. i honestly just came away feeling like i was, in fact, prepared and capable of navigating a ship anywhere given the right tools.

meteorology and ship knowledge 0324

backadded for my own memories... i was busy studying for these examinations from the new year until the end of march, but it was nice to do it all online. i cherish the time i spent at home.